These Phrases from A Dad That Saved Me as a First-Time Dad

"I think I was merely just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the demands of being a father.

However the reality soon turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her chief support as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple phrases "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. In what way can I support you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His experience is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now better used to talking about the pressure on mothers and about PND, less is said about the challenges new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider reluctance to open up among men, who often absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, says men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to take a break - going on a short trip away, away from the family home, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the language of emotional life and interpret his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "poor decisions" when he was younger to change how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that are harmful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a friend, your partner or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, resting, all contribute in how your mind is coping.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the security and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am understanding an equal amount as you are through this experience."